A Terrible Kick Off for the Week

I know today its going to jam heavily. I reached out from my house 7:10, 15 minutes earlier than usual, but 10 minutes later than planned.

Two hours later, I was thinking if I should turn off my media player. I was looking for some instrumental songs for my friend. I found the dvd that I burnt. It is keeping all my musics and photos taken. I cant help myself to take a look on those. It reminded me some memories that I had already put down. Some decision that I had determined to proceed. I run down my tears, when I was listening Jim Brickman’s play. All the pieces are like singing us. I broke down in the office when it was playing The Gift. I quickly ran out from the office because it has been worsen. Seeing Jamel smiling at me, I replied with a similar curve. I was about to yell.

Its already four months plus. I resolved my sorrow very rapidly, I thought. If its not so many things has changes, if She never left, if he wasn’t born, if he doesn’t needs me, if I’m not so vulnerable, if she never mention those to me, if we never keep any memories, if.

I turned off my media player moments ago. Understood that I had became the wound opener, I am so regret. I pierced through her heart by assuming it should recover soon or something. I gave up all the promises that I told her those days. When I think back, I realize that I am so wicked. I deliberated all the worries that exist, should exist, into hopes that sound so beautiful, and I crush everything into zero. In the end of thinking all those scars I caused, I understood to me now, its not love anymore, but concerns.

It was a poor start. I though this week is where I need to put 200% onto my work. But it had taken a tumble on my Monday. I’m very sure it isn’t a Monday Blue. Because it started from days ago, weeks ago, months ago. I even committed sins that I never thought I wouldn’t. It has been so many unexpected within these few months. Don’t really have time for going down but emotional is sometimes far beyond rational.

I do not know when it will end. Until the next guy go into her life? Until the next girl come into my life? Guess that its likelier for the latter to happen first.. haha naughty me…